Worth in God, Not in People & Things // Flourish
I've been on my "Flourish" journey for a while now. To be honest, I didn't think it would take this long. I guess I struggled/am struggling more than I realize. Slowly, but surely, I've been able to redirect my path to wellness.
I have a difficult time with feeling worthy. It stems from years of negative affirmations thrown my way. I tend to feel down because I'm reminded of...
-Not being pretty enough.
-Not being smart enough.
-Not being fast enough.
-Not being perfect enough.
Not being successful enough.
-Not being ENOUGH.
And it could expand to different areas of my life...
-Not being the best significant other.
-Not being the best friend.
-Not being the best co-worker
-Not being the best blogger.
-Not being the best family member.
-Not being the best Graciella.
Although spiritually, I remember I am a child of the Lord, I can't shake off the feeling of unworthiness.
Its ugly voice whispers into my mind every day reminding me of all my past faults, allowing me to slowly lose grip of my present reality and blurring my vision of a brighter future.
On top of all this, I've recently struggled with two things in particular: Putting worth in my relationships and putting worth in things, like my career.
In the last year, my relationships have completely shifted. I've lost many friends due to setting boundaries and understanding my desires of true friendships, but have gained many new friends who can respect those boundaries & accomodate my needs. Although this is a positive, I still linger on the lost friendships, replaying scenarios and conversations in my head. I self-sabotage and repeat to myself the negativity that seeded from those interactions,
"Maybe I'm not a good friend."
"Maybe I am a mean person."
"Maybe they were right."
And down the rabbit hole of spiraling thoughts I go. And unlike Alice who found her way back home, I seem just get myself lost in Wonderland, wondering what else I could have done to be BETTER.
My career has completely shifted as well. I used to get caught up in my own status; revealing where I worked and who I worked for turned out to be what I lived for. When people would ask where I worked, I received attention. Although at the time I thought people genuinely were interested in me, it turns out, they were just interested in my job. As I've made my way through different office settings in the last 3 years, I realized that the jobs I had required to lay down my ability to fight back and become submissive to inappropriate work behavior. With much consideration of my limits as a person, I've had to let go of what people would consider "awesome jobs" in order to regain some sort of dignity back. Now, I work at a call center. The reaction from others no longer exudes excitement. Instead, the subject is changed and interest is lost. Without realizing it, the change has eaten away at my feeling of worthiness. I'd become someone who placed worth in what I did for a living instead of who I am as a person. I became depressed and still struggle with it to this day.
Over the last few months, I've become reclusive (hence my absence from DizzySpangle). I needed time to focus on the things in front of me and really deal with all of it through Celebrate Recovery. It's been a huge journey for me, forcing me to really get to the root of my issues and bring light to them. This adjustment period has taught me a lot about the people around me, who I want to surround myself with, who I am as a person and how to be the best version of myself.
I've been consistently reminded that my worth doesn't stem from my relationships or career. In the end, I am God's very own creation. My worth comes from him and him alone.
This is my daily battle. In the middle of my "Flourish" journey, I continue to struggle, but I don't lose hope. I continue to fight the thoughts that try to make a home in my head, however now, they are guests and they have exhausted their continuous stay.
Struggling with the same? Here are some great pieces of advice I'd like to share from my personal journey:
- You are who God says you are.
This according to 1 Cortinthians 25:10, "By the grace of God, I am what I am." God thinks your worthy, you're worth loving and you are filled with purpose that will lead you into the success he has planned for your life (even more than you imagine for yourself!)
You can take the girl out of the job, but you can't take the skills out of the girl.
If you're struggling with placing worth in your job, I found this awesome article that talks about the problem with trying to find worth in your work. It quotes,
"...while you can lose a job, you can never lose the abilities within yourself that got you that job in the first place. I love this concept for so many reasons. It helps to detach yourself from these external things, like your career or your relationship status. Instead, it promotes the idea that the abilities, qualities, and strengths within you are what define you. Not your career."
Loss friendships make room for better friendships.
A door closing on a friendship doesn't always mean it's a bad thing. Sometimes God moves people out of our lives to keep us safe and to make room for new friendships. I read an encouraging article that also reminded me that God is also wanting to be our friend when it seems like we've lost all of our friends. One great healing tip? Pray to God about your feelings about the loss friendship and how it affects you. Ask God to heal you and continue to to work in your life to reveal new and healthy friendships. Also ask God to continue to build you relationships with him as he is our ultimate friend who provides us with love when it need it most.