This post has been one of the hardest posts for me to write in a long while. I've been stuck at trying to figure out the best way to sum up the last few months with a clear mind and open heart. In all honesty, the last few months have been filled with many ups and downs.
I am the type of person that likes to plan things. I have a calendar where I scribble down activities and reminders. I write notes like there's no tomorrow and post it notes are my friend. I love to have everything orderly and nice to make it easier for myself to know how my day is going to go. So low and behold, when things didn't go as planned for me a few months ago, I slowly began to crumble. I ended up falling into a very dark place. This is something that I am embarrassed to share because I'm usually a happy-go-lucky person that's encouraging others to work past their sadness and pessimism. This time, the tables were turned and I sought out friends for help and advice. Although I have a wonderful support system, I still felt very hopeless and constantly prayed for God to show up in my circumstance.
At the time I thought God had forsaken me because I felt depressed for days on end and saw no change in my life. There were times where I would discover ways to help my problems, but those opportunities wouldn't work out. It was as if no matter how hard I tried to seek a solution to my problems, God would shut those doors for me. I was frustrated and confused. Now as I look at back at my experience, I realize that I was in a season where God was working on things for me, I just didn't realize it then. Even though solutions to my problems presented themselves, they weren't aligned to what God wanted for me. Instead, His plan was to make me wait. In the meantime, He wanted to mold and shape me to be a better version of myself, become someone stronger, and to fill me with faith and perseverance. He was preparing me for an adventure that was more than what I planned for myself. There was more in mind for me.
I've had people ask me why I believe in God, why I'm so passionate about being a Christian, going to church, reading my Bible and writing posts like the one I'm currently typing. The reason I am a believer is because I've seen God work in my life, I've felt Him guide me, protect me and bring me peace and strength. He has used other people in my life to support and love me and in turn I support and love them. Every time I was in a situation where I felt hopeless, I would pray for God to show up and He would. These past few months, it's been a waiting game, constantly praying and seeking for Him to show up instantly, to show up when I wanted Him to show up. When the Lord didn't give me physically evidence that He was working, I felt even worse and started to question my faith. But in all His greatness and glory, I've been reminded that God works in ways that will always surprise me.
There's a quote I saw just a week ago that reminded me of how God worked in my life the last few months...
"You must learn to trust God's timing. You may not think He's working, but right now behind the scenes, God is arranging all the pieces to come together to work out His plan for your life".
As humans, we are prone to think that things have to be seen in order to be believed. That if there is no physical evidence of something happening, then maybe it's not true. As a believer of God, I have been privileged to see many blessings instantly pour into my life when I sought Him out. However, in the past few months I've been reminded that there will be times where I will have to wait on God, even if I don't see an instant change in my circumstance. In my recent struggle, I found that in the moments where my faith began to dwindle the hardest was the moment that God would showcase the plan He had been preparing for me all along. These surprising moments that humble my heart and bring tears to my eyes are what makes me a firm believer in Christ.
I'm happy to say that since the new year has started, things have been looking up. I look back on the last few months and know that God was preparing me for His plan, not my plan. A lot of light has been shed on my circumstance and I can clearly see why I had to go through what I went through. I feel stronger, ready to take on anything that comes my way. I know without a doubt that no matter what happens, God has my back. I just need to focus on Him and trust that when things seem like they'll never work out, God WILL show up. He won't always do it on the time YOU plan, but He will always be there.